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“I Have a Crush on a Dead Guy: the Dating Life of my Dreams”. By Felicia Miracle Cipolla

Updated: Jul 31

July 26, 2020 

Yesterday morning someone close to me passed away. Before bed, I set the intention to meet him in my dreams. This may sound strange to you, however, I regularly communicate with other deceased loved ones through my dreams, namely my older brother, who unexpectedly passed away last spring. Sometimes the messages are as murky as the dreams. At other times, the messages, and images within the dream, are as clear and vivid as the water on a white sand beach in Negril. Mostly, my brother comes to me on his own accord. I’ve never actually been successful in calling forth communication from the other side, by setting intentions before bed. However, like so many other areas of my life, lack of success does not deter me from trying.  Last night, my recently transitioned loved one did not come to me in my dreams, but someone else did…Anthony Bourdain. 

Tony and I have been seeing a lot of one another lately; rather, I’ve been seeing a lot of him. He has been a recent addition to my quarantine routine, as I’ve been watching old episodes of “No Reservations”, almost daily. Therefore, it’s no surprise that he’s now piercing my subconscious and revealing himself in my dreamscape. Last night was the first time that Tony came to me in a dream. We were off at some remote location, filming one of his episodes. I was an onlooker and mostly getting in the way of the camera crew while he did his thing.  Once he wrapped for the day, we took a barefoot walk together and made our way to an oceanside restaurant with panoramic windows that showed off the breathtaking shoreline and the endless blue water that spanned the horizon. The waters were rough, yet my date was still interested in going for a swim. I remember standing with him in front of the window, as he planned our safest decent down to the beach. Although I was a bit fearful, I trusted his judgment and trust in my new suitor overtook any reservations I was having about testing the waters. I do not recall if we ever made it down to the water’s edge. The last thing I remember was looking at the sole of one of my feet and inspecting a minor sore that I incurred during our barefoot excursion. The pain was mild, but it distracted me from the bliss and excitement of the moment. Then I woke up. 

Despite the less than climactic ending to my dream, I woke up feeling ebullient. Like most of my dreams, it felt so real. Almost as real as this simulation that we refer to as reality. I often have lucid dreams and experience them just as vividly as I see, hear and feel “real life” (my sense of taste and smell are currently underdeveloped in my dreams). Anyway, I have been thinking of writing something, other than journal entries, and this nocturnal visit from one of my idols/crushes, was just the inspirational fodder that I needed to ACTUALLY do it. I could spend the next several sentences, even paragraphs, explaining my attraction to Mr. Bourdain to you, but come on…do I really need to? You know the guy. At minimum, you’ve seen the lanky, 6’ 4” likeness of this genius, charismatic, sarcastic, bad-boy chef, journalist and travel-show god. At this point you may be thinking that there must be something seriously “off” about me for romanticizing someone who, not only is no longer on this physical plane of existence, but also was troubled enough to take his own life. To that I reply, oh well. The truth is, all of us have our own crosses to bear, our own demons that show themselves as promiscuity, alcoholism, drug addiction etc., all founded on mental illness, most commonly depression & anxiety. I deal with these demons and everyone that I know does or has, to varying degrees. I am a fervent believer in talking about these issues more freely, in hopes that the more transparency we have about them, the better we will be able to deal with them, as a species. The fact is, none of us really know what’s going on inside the minds of others. Hell, most of us don’t even understand what’s going on in our own minds! 

For weeks, months actually, my creative spirit has been actively, at times violently, bubbling up the surface of both my subconscious dream-state and conscious waking-life. It manifests as  a cornucopia of ideas from new business ventures to script ideas. Pre-Covid 19, this would happen in unpredictable spurts, but it has been occurring so regularly now that it can no longer be ignored. The analogy that comes to mind is a pot of boiling water. With the lid on, the pot will eventually begin to overflow, unless you turn the stove down or tilt the lid to allow some of the steam to escape. Me beginning this blog is analogous to tilting the lid. Can any of my creatives out there relate to this? When you experience such powerful bursts of creativity that you must sing, dance, cook, write, pop an edible or guzzle a glass of wine to regain your equilibrium and return to a more acceptable state of “normal”, for the sanity of, not only yourself, but those closest to you (damn that was definitely a run-on sentence). I am positive that the small circle of maybe FIVE people I speak to regularly will be ecstatic to not be receiving quite so many “random” texts from me that typically get sent in an manic, rapid-fire mode, sometimes 5-10 texts at a time (annnnd there’s another run-on, literary causalities of an untrained writer). And so, I am here; sharing some of my most honest musings with you, whoever you may be. This is my effort to release just a wee bit of the creativity that has been seeking to express itself. 

In case you haven’t already gathered, I am not a writer. I am an unemployed actress, who was moonlighting as the manager of a bustling vegan restaurant, before getting laid off due to worldwide pandemic we are currently experiencing. Or is it the other way around? Was I restaurant manager moonlighting as an actress? I do not know, and may never know. In any case, you catch my drift.

For years I have been flirting with the idea of starting a youtube channel, but the idea never crystallized until about 2 months into the shelter-in-place. This past April, I had a series of about a dozen video topics, reveal themselves to me, directly from the divine, God, the universe or whatever you want to call it. They came so clearly that I wrote them down. Most even came complete with catchy titles! Despite the clarity of these signs, I have yet to find the motivation to record any of videos, for a variety of reasons that can simply be summed up as the discouraging mutterings of my inner saboteur. Finally, I am here before you. Sharing my feelings and thoughts. My hope is that you’re inspired or at least slightly entertained. My hope is that I connect to at least one soul in a meaningful way. After all, we never know the ripple effect that our actions have on the ocean of humanity. 

Finally, I would be remiss to not mention that I mean no disrespect to Anthony Bourdain, his family or his friends, people that actually knew him. I realize that what I think I “know” about him is only based on TV and articles. However, I cannot help but feel connected to his authentic spirit, as I dive deeper into his life’s work. I cannot help but be fascinating by this great man, flaws and all. True to form, I cannot help who I have a crush on…even if he is a dead guy. 

Peace, Love, Bliss & Blessings to all. 

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